


paradise/warzone

by sundaycandy (tickingclocks)



Category: A Midsummer Night's Dream - All Media Types, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Race Changes, Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Bastardizing Shakespeare, Black Character(s), Colorism, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Internalized Misogyny, M/M, Misogyny, New York, Nonbinary Character, Queer Character(s) of Color, Recreational Drug Use, Urban Fantasy, also she's gay, but oberon doesn't like that, hippolyta is a biker gang leader, oberon is a drug lord, the mechanicals are theater kids trying to make it on broadway, theseus runs a nightclub, titania is a mafia mother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-30 00:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6400027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tickingclocks/pseuds/sundaycandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A modern day retelling of one of Shakespeare's greatest comedies, A Midsummer Night's Dream. Still contains fantasy themes. </p><p>Featuring: Titania the lesbian mafia mother, Oberon the drug lord, Theseus and Egeus: misogynist assholes, Hippolyta the gorgeous biker gang leader, Puck our favorite perpetually high college kid, and many others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	paradise/warzone

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry but I'm not!
> 
> My school did a production like this recently and I just really, really wanted to elaborate on it.

"So...you like movies?"

 

This question was met with a shrug, possibly the tenth that he had received from her that day. Theseus blew air from his nose, and twisted around the shiny Rolex on his wrist. He rose from the suede sofa they were sitting on, and stretched his legs as he walked around the electric blue tinted VIP lounge of his pride and joy: The Palace.

 

It hadn't been easy starting this place, he remembered. It took years and _years_ of clawing his way to the top. He had come a long way since his conman days, and he wanted everyone to know it.  To most, being known throughout the city as the sole proprietor of the east coast's most established and luxurious casino/nightclub/hotel was more of a casual, modest accomplishment. He'd hear people sneer, "Once a thief, always a thief--he's just stealing money in a different way now" all the time. But, he didn't let it get to him. Theseus was living the life he had always wanted to live, with more debauchery, decadence, and delight than he could ask for.

 

That didn't exactly mean that he had completely steered away from his former dubious ways. After all, if he had, he wouldn't have had the most dangerous, most terrifying, most _gorgeous_ woman in New York sitting in _his_ room at the moment.

 

They had met on numerous occasions before. Her biker gang, The Amazons, had always gotten into little spats with the dudes he used to roll with before he made it. He didn't pay it much mind at first, but when one of his boys came to him demanding a favor, he couldn't say no.

 

He became his old self again, playing The Amazons for all they were worth. They had begged for mercy and he relished in it. He was going to ruin their reputation, steal their turf for his boys, and possibly even turn them into the Feds if he really felt like being nasty. But, he relented, when _she,_ Hippolyta, had said she'd do _anything_ to let them go.

 

 _Oh, word?_ He remembered saying. Hippolyta had nodded, her afro puffs not budging an inch as she moved. He had smiled.

 

He was nearly 40 years old, and unmarried. He had been the father to lord knows _how_ many kids, but he always paid when that time of the month came around. He was tired of being the sluttiest man in the Bronx, tired of his ailing mother badgering him about settling down. Maybe it was time?

 

So, Theseus was now the fiancé to the baddest woman he had ever met. He basked in the possibilities for their wedding. Only problem was, she didn't seem too impressed. Sure, they knew next to nothing about each other, but he was _trying,_ goddammit! That had to count for something.

 

"Philostrate! You around?" He called into the intercom mic on the wall adjacent to the in-wall aquarium. A squeaky voice replied with a "coming!"

 

The small man quickly ran into the lounge, only faltering slightly upon seeing Hippolyta. "Sir?"

 

"Those wedding invitations get sent out yet?"

 

"Yes, sir. They're beautiful, really."

 

"They better be, I spent good money on them." He placed a finger on his chin. "What about entertainment? I know the wedding isn't for another few months, but in this city you gotta book shit eons in advance."

 

"Oh, of course, I'll work on it right away!" Philiostrate gave the man a look as if asking if he was dismissed, and Theseus obliged with a wave of the hand. Once the two were left alone again, he faced Hippolyta.

 

"You excited? I know I am. Never been married before, y'know?" He spoke in giddy tones, hoping that he'd be able to get some sort of reaction.

 

She turned away again, eyes trained on her visage in the camera reflection of her phone. He watched as she smoothed down her already perfectly gelled edges, acting as if his existence was more of a hindrance than the privilege he believed it to be. He sucked his teeth and sat down on the arm of the sofa, and let his mind drift off to one of his many former lovers, someone who wasn't always so damn _cold._

_Titania._

While Titania was all feminine curves and spritely energy, tiny with smooth, light brown skin and just plain _bright,_ Hippolyta was cold, dark as night, with broad shoulders and strong, muscled legs that allowed her to stand about five inches over him. He would not let himself be intimated by her though. He had beaten her, won her body fair and square. He basically owned her, lest she give over her beloved turf, which the Amazons would never let her live down.

 

"So, you liking my place, Hippo? I can call you Hippo, right? I think it's cute, just like you." In lieu of a verbal response, he was met with a steely glare and a set of flared nostrils.

 

"I'd rather you not, but go 'head if you don't value keeping your penis."

 

Well. That shouldn't have turned him on as much as it did. "I'll keep that in mind."

 

She rolled her wide, nearly black eyes. "You said you gotta pool, right?"

 

"Yeah! You wanna see it? I can have my assistant run and get you one of those sexy Victoria Secret bikini joints and--" he was stopped by another look, but pressed on. He was getting laid tonight, no matter what. "Matter of fact, why wait when we could take a dip in nothing but the beautiful skin we were blessed with?"

 

Hippolyta blinked, then smiled. It wasn't the type of smile he was used to, however. It was near sinister, the edges of her eggplant hued lips quirking up with malice.

 

"Cutting your dick off will be _so_ good. Or maybe I should shoot it off? I've done it before, y'know. Allows for more distance. I'll drive you to the hospital afterwards, though; I'm not _that_ mean." He gaped at her, in shock at not only her threat but the way she oozed a sort of strange sensuality while expressing it. Her smile fell at noting his blown pupils, and she stood, rising to her full, lofty height. "Where's your bathroom?"

 

He shook himself out of it, clearing his throat. "Around the corner, third door down. Use the second switch to turn the lights on," he spoke in a rush. Hippolyta nodded curtly, before disappearing down the hall.

 

Theseus sighed, and rubbed a hand over his shaven head. Leaning back into the soft cushions, he took out his phone and half-considered hitting up one of his old hoes. Antiopa was still in town, wasn’t she? He eventually thought against it, though. He was getting too old for all of that, after all, and whether his fiancé liked it or not, he was getting married soon. That meant no more sleeping around, no more getting caught with strippers, the whole damn nine.

 

God, he was beginning to regret this so-called negotiation.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a knocking on the door so heavy, he nearly thought it was the cops. However, the telltale grumbling from the other side proved otherwise.

 

"Theseus! Open this gotdamn door!" Egeus. One of his oldest friends, and general pain in the ass.

 

"Must I?" This was answered with more incessant knocking, which prompted the entrepreneur to go over and finally unlock it.

 

Immediately, Egeus, a young girl, and two boys the same age came rushing into the lounge. The girl, upon surveying her surroundings, ran to the opposite wall, hand in hand with the taller boy.

 

"Little girl, if you don't get your ass back here, I swear to God..." It was then when Theseus recognized who they were.

 

"I know that's not little Hermia! She's so big! I haven't seen her since...what was it? Middle school graduation?" He took in her form, noting that she hadn’t appeared to have grown a single inch since said graduation. Her cheeks were still just as chubby as ever, and her eyes wide with childlike innocence. However, there was a way she carried herself that implicated that she was much older than she let on. The way her shoulders were pushed back, the swipe of eyeliner over her eyelids, the fact that she wasn’t wearing the same bright blue light up sketchers that she had been obsessed with. She was a woman, and a beautiful one at that, and—

 

God, he _needed_ to get laid if he was starting to think about kids half his age like this.

 

"Yeah, but don't say all that,” grunted Egeus, who, right, was still there as Theseus was checking out his daughter. Yikes. “She think she's grown now!"

 

"Huh? How old are you now, kid?"

 

Hermia looked down at her sandaled feet, twists falling into her face. "Nineteen, which is technically an adult so--"

 

"Last time I checked, I'm still the one putting you through college, you're still listed as dependent on my taxes, you don't even have a _license_ yet--you ain't no adult!"

 

"Daddy, this is Yonkers, I don't _need_ to know how to fuckin' drive!"

 

"Watch your mouth! You will respect me in this house!"

 

"Uh, sir, with all due respect, this isn't your house...hell, this isn't even a _house_. Where are we again?" Asked the boy who was now holding Hermia tight in his arms.

 

"You're at The Palace, my casino-slash-nightclub-slash-hotel. Surely you've heard of it?"

 

"Lysander doesn't exactly get out much," Hermia giggled, before dodging a playful swat from the man who Theseus assumed was Lysander. Theseus could’ve sworn he saw Egeus’s dark face turn red.

 

“Put one more finger on her and watch what happens!” He hollered. Theseus cringed, and allowed himself to wonder what was taking Hippolyta so long. What if she had escaped?

 

Wait, they were on the top floor of a 17-story building. It was all good.

 

“Can you just tell me what’s going on, Egeus? Why’re you here?”

 

“’Cause, These’, you’re my main man, the only motherfucker in this city that I trust with things like this.”

 

“And…what is ‘this’ exactly?”

 

“Aight, lemme just start by saying this: Hermia’s my only child, okay? So, it’s only natural that I want to look out for her, right?”

 

He couldn’t tell where he was going with this. “Uh huh…”

 

“So, _naturally_ , if she were to try and run away with some no-good, ashy, bum off the streets, I’d be right in locking her up and shooting said bum in the legs, right?”

 

“Daddy!” Exclaimed Hermia, around the same time that Lysander yelped, “What the hell?”

 

“Well, I mean…I’m gonna need a little bit more context, bruh.”

 

“Of course,” Egeus beckoned over the other man, who had yet to speak, but had an expression on his face that looked plain painful, like it was taking everything in him to stay stoic. They plopped down on the sofa, and Egeus continued. “This is Demetrius. He’s an intern at the law firm across the street from my job. Let me rephrase that: he’s a _paid_ intern at a _law firm_. He graduated from _Columbia_ last year. Fucking. Columbia. He’s got money, he’s got drive, he’s _respectful_ , and he actually has a car! A car, These’! On top of all that, he’s a kind Christian man who goes to church every Sunday. Do you know how hard it is to find someone who actually does that these days?” Theseus shrugged. He didn’t really care. “So, I introduced him to Hermia. I had forbidden her from dating until she was 21, but seeing that I had just found the perfect man for her, I decided to be a little lenient. This was clearly a big mistake.” He took the time to glare at Lysander.

 

“I thought they had hit it off, Demetrius told me that they had set up a second date after their first one, and I thought things were going great! She seemed so enthusiastic about the whole thing. She wouldn’t stop smiling! So, of course I’m thinking this is because of Demetrius! Was I wrong to think that? Was I?”

Theseus blinked. “Uh, no?”

 

“Well, apparently I was, because just a couple weeks ago I come home to find my baby girl in bed with this piece of shit!”

 

Lysander frowned. “Sir, is the name-calling really necessary?”

 

“Daddy, I keep telling you, we weren’t doing anything! We were fully clothed, he was helping me strip the bed so I could do the laundry!” She screwed her mouth for a second before going, “And even if we were doing something, what does it matter? I’m not a baby anymore!”

 

“Ooh, if you raise your voice at me again, you won’t be seeing the light of day ever again! I’ll take you out of that school, I don’t care!”

 

“You’d get in the way of my education because of a boy? Are you kidding me?!”

 

“Clearly, you don’t value it that much! Your grades are slipping, Hermia. No doubt because this chump is holding you back.”

 

Lysander groaned. “I’m not holding her back, sir. You are! This is borderline child abuse.”

 

At this, Egeus paused, the only sound coming from him being his deep breaths. Then, suddenly, he burst out laughing. “Holy fuck! You’ve gotta be joking…oh, right, you’re the one that wants to be a social worker.” He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. “Have fun with not being able to afford your rent, ever. At least I know that if I leave Hermia in Demetrius’ hands, she’ll be living comfortably.”

 

“Hello,” Hermia interjected. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I could get a job, too?”

 

“Little girl, your job once you graduate from college is gonna be cooking, and making babies. That’s just the way the world works. Speaking of which, you really need to learn how to cook. Demetrius said you burned the rice last time y’all went out. How the hell do you burn rice? You better be glad he still wants you after all this nonsense.”

“Well, too bad, ‘cause I don’t want him!” This seemed to cause Demetrius to finally snap.

 

“I don’t see why not! You’ll put up for this miscreant, but not for me?”

 

“She doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to, asshole,” Lysander seethed, before turning to Hermia’s father. “Look, if Demetrius is so perfect, why don’t you just marry him?” Hermia couldn’t help but giggle, until seeing the look of pure rage on her father’s face.

 

“Listen here, smartass, I’m not afraid to commit murder, I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again!”

 

“No! Nobody will be murdering anyone in this establishment!” Theseus paused. “At least not until I have complete deniability.” He wrapped an arm around Egeus’ shaking shoulders. “Listen, I get what you want me to do, but I just can’t. This is crazy. I’m not gonna shoot him or ruin his life just because you don’t like him. Do you know how many people would be dead right now if we killed everyone we didn’t like?”

 

“Yeah but—“

 

“Here, let me talk to her, aight?” Egeus nodded, before settling back next to Demetrius.

 

“Hey, Hermia, you may be an adult, but you’re still a child in your father’s eyes. He has the right to be worried about you, and want to protect you.”

 

“But—“

 

“No buts. My nice evening has been ruined by you people. So, we’re gonna settle all this right here, right now.” He rubbed at his temples. “Okay, uh…Hermia, if you don’t do as your father says and dump this broke punk, you’ll have to…become a nun, I don’t know.”

 

“What?!” She screeched.

 

“Sounds good to me,” Egeus chirped.

 

“Or, you could be happy with me. Hermia, don’t make a mistake because he’s brainwashed you into thinking you’re the only one to him. You’re just another notch on the headboard, babe.”

 

“Alright, _one,_ we’ve never had sex, as if that was even your business. And, _two_ , how could you say that when everyone knows about you one-and-done’ing Helena?”

 

“Helena…” The name sounded familiar to Theseus. “As in Nedar’s daughter?” Nedar had been the chick he had screwed on New Year’s around…what was it, nineteen years a—oh, yeah that made sense.

 

“The very one! Ever since then, she’s been trying to get his attention, hoping that he just wasn’t using her—but not even Hermia and I could hide the truth from her any longer. Demetrius went and dropped the poor girl for her best friend. Who does that? Oh, right, the guy you want Hermia to spend the rest of her life with.”

 

Egeus huffed an irritated breath. “What’s the past, is in the past. I doubt that’s even true, anyway. Demetrius is a God-fearing man.”

 

“Demetrius is a two-timing slut who’s using your approval to get into Hermia’s pants.”

 

Demetrius scoffed. “Like you aren’t doing the same thing by showering her with all your stolen presents!”

 

“He’s right,” Egeus nodded, taking a sterling silver necklace out of his pocket. “Robbing Kay Jewelers and thinking people wouldn’t notice. The last thing I’ll have you do is implicate my daughter in some crime.”

 

Hermia tugged at her hair, shaking her head. “Lysander was gonna return it, but then you took it from him!”

 

“I might even call the police on him, just because I feel like it.”

 

“Sir, didn’t you just admit to committing murder before…how you gonna do me like that?”

 

“And, as I said before, fucko: The past. Is. The. _Past_!”

 

“Everyone! Can we please not? I’m not in the mood at all. I was trying to get it in with this biker bitch but she’s not trying to fuck and I’ve already spent so much money on this wedding, and if I don’t get laid soon I’m actually going to explode, okay?! So, can you all just get the fuck out?!”

 

“Okay, damn…” Hermia and Lysander muttered in unison.

 

“TMI, much?” went Demetrius, as he followed to couple out the door.

 

Only Egeus and Theseus were left. Egeus gave him an appraising look. “A wedding? I thought you just said you were banging that Amazon chick, not wifing her!”

 

Theseus nodded, sheepishly. “Well, neither of those things might happen anytime soon. But, just in case, you wanna check out some tuxes with me? You’ve always has a better eye for style than me.”

 

“Show me the fucking way!” The two friends exited the room, both happy that they had someone around to keep their minds off of their respective troubles.

 

Moments later, an exhausted Hippolyta poked her head out into the lounge. When she saw that the coast was clear, she ran and leaped onto the sofa, allowing the plush pillows to fall on her. “Finally…” she lamented, before allowing herself to drift into a comfortable sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it! I love love love comments so don't be fake :)
> 
> hit me up on barackandrollobama.tumblr.com 
> 
> sorry will!


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